Motherhood

Today – there were moments I felt like a good mum, a great mum and even an awesome mum. When Tom and Willy presented themselves covered in mud from rolling in the fields… and I laughed and told them to run a bath, and they came running back up soaked and drenched me in a ‘mummy sandwich’ and I embraced it and laughed… When Tom flung his arms around me and told me how much he loved me…. when willy snuggled up close in bed for cuddles… when I see their happy frolicking play across the lawn and running towards the coach house Den we have been sweeping and tidying together… they have freedom, they are safe, they know they are loved and they are happy. All the signs of good parenting in my book.
 But there were moments, when I felt like a terrible mother, and out of control screaming fish wife. When I find dirty socks hidden under dressers, pepperami wrappers tucked between cushions and lecture them on respect … for the house and my time! And even more angrily, repeating the same again when I find their basement bathroom flooded, the bath overflowing and being used as a jumping pool, sodden clothes littered in corridors and on sofas …. earlier, my panic and silent questioning of myself and motherhood when the cries I thought were happy ones for 20 minutes suddenly turn to ones that make me run on my bad ankle regardless down the lawns to the derelict barns, worrying they had fallen through an old trap door…. 
But there they were… one crying, one laughing… blond heads peaking through an open sash window. They had closed the hatch and it had stuck and they couldn’t get down…. not even one dangling the other down to the old horse trough…. my heart stops at the thought.  
But in those moments, because they are safe, I have to laugh. And my voice of compassion in the form of Hagrid returns. And in his gruff voice he tells me to relax, give myself a break. I am still emotional, still stressed and suppressing enormous anger….
And what is that anger I am ignoring, I ask myself? That is perhaps making me over react to small issues … like the sky man, water on the floor and muddy shorts?  
I go back into my heart and ask. Trust is still the one thing that makes me feel out of sorts. And I do not like that feeling. It does not sit well in my stomach… we may have moved on, started anew…. but it’s still there and my IBS, tension and self doubt flares. 
Motherhood. A constant battle of self doubt, self gratificAtion or admiration and selflessness. 
And as I search for a quote – the first one is a kingfisher. I take that as a sign as I am doing ok. Given the circumstances.

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