This evening as I sit in my favourite room, on my lime green sofa, looking out of the windows on to the garden, I can feel the exhaustion setting in. This evening, I am grumpy and short tempered, whereas earlier I was walking on the moon, way higher than cloud 9.
Even though I had spent a 2 hour round trip on the school run and battled with voice activated call centres or crashing websites to try and update the countless companies we rely on to know our postal address all morning, I found calm in a quiet meditation. And then I went off to explore.
I found delight in the little pleasures of living in the 4th smallest city in the UK. As I wandered round the square, I realised it doesn’t take much to make me beam with a smile at the moment and I am so happy to realise that, for my smile recently has been a difficult one to tease out. I found everything I needed to bring Percy Bobcat to come and live with us this weekend; he is going to love the mousing here and I can only imagine the number of ‘presents’ he will bring us on a daily basis. The joy in finding a good local butcher, cutting me 2 delicious ribeyes to celebrate our first adult only supper, some coasters with inspirational quotes to protect the wooden top of our kitchen island, pebbles with my favourite words for the ‘throne room’, the post office to send my goddaughter a congratulations card for winning a prize on speech day, new place mats with our initials on, a new washing line and pegs to hang out my laundry and a beautician that does CND nails and understands hot waxing.
My biggest smile was reserved for my Mumbo. I have been thinking of her recently, as I deadheaded the roses creeping the house, along the terrace walls and lining the paths and in the beds. Whenever I visited home, when she was alive, we would wander around her garden and she would tell me about her plants and her plans. Was it strange I quietly spoke out loud to her as if she was there, telling her my plans? Today she answered me as I flicked through some mounted, unframed watercolour prints. The first one I flicked to, was a Kingfisher, proud, with a big fish in her mouth on a sign saying ‘No fishing’. I guess she isn’t keen on the pond idea…
Even as I drove the 2 hours to get the boys, I smiled at the thought of spending an hour with Wayne Dyer. I listened to his top 10 rules for success and two of the stories that spoke to me really made me proud and also humble.
He told a story of losing keys just as power cut happened, so the man decided as there was no light inside to find his keys on the floor, he would go outside under the lamp post and look there, because there was light. The metaphor, to me, was beautiful, a message to show how going elsewhere to find light to help you with your problems, is pointless. The light you need is right where you are, within you. My circumstances over the last year or so have shown me that. No looking outside myself for comfort or pleasure has helped. Only the work done inside on my head and heart, my mind and spirit has helped me find what I needed to move forward.
The second tale told of a boat; that every boat has a wake following it and the only way it moves forward is the energy that is being given at that moment in time to the engine. I recognise that sometimes it has been so very hard to not look back at the wake behind me and each time I did, the boat would turn and take me back through the turbulent waters. But now, as I recognise the wake is just a legacy, I can appreciate what kind of legacy I want to leave and I can focus on the moment and give energy to only that in order to propel me forwards to where I want to go and who I want to be.
And so here I am, giving energy to what I want to be in the moment. A writer, sharing my light, regardless of how bright or dim it is. But also a Yorkshire housewife, in a loving family home, a dream house, despite it’s leaks, and quirky door knobs, questionable wallpaper and avocado grey bathroom suites.