My life is in boxes. Ironically in french fry boxes. Another of life’s twisted jokes.
I have been feeling uneasy, queasy and off my food for the last couple of days.
Nerves? We are on the end of the pontoon. We are taking the final deep breaths before we run as fast as we can and launch ourselves off the end and in to the air. In my mind, I am at the top of my mountain. Looking through the haze in the valley below, knowing what is there, but can’t quite see.
This is a big step. This is a huge leap of faith for me. And my heart.
We are moving for all the wrong reasons.
And yet we are moving for all the right ones too.
Everything is about to slot in to place, just as it should, at the right time. After a longer period than I had wanted, the Universe knows best.
It is the right time.
But I am still feeling nervous. Which I take as a good sign. I am no longer numb.
And I am still feeling sad. Sad to lose some of the key elements of my life for the last 10 years, but that have to be left behind in this chapter. As Oprah says you don’t have to hold yourself hostage to who you used to be and what you used to do. The memories, particularly of the last 4 years, the connections and associations, still too tough to look at, touching too raw a nerve; who I was, what I did, who I spent time with. They too are in a metaphorical French fry box and will remain in storage, be thrown on a bonfire or be left behind.
And I am sad. Just because I am sad for myself and everything that has happened. But I am ok with that and saying that out loud.
I am sure there will be excitement. Oprah also says, in her top 10 rules for a successful life, that every experience, every moment is preparing you for the ones to come. Everything is leading up to this point, giving me the courage to leap and faith to hold his hand.
“All you have to do is understand your next move.”
The next move, happens in 6 days time.
My life is in boxes. Everything unbreakable anyway. I wouldn’t trust the breakables to a French fry box.
Everything breakable, I carry with me. My heart. My boys. And the Big Man, he can carry us.