I am getting used to the ebbs and flows of the aftermath of any grief or traumatic experience.
Sometimes it feels like I am the shore and the waves flow over me and I just watch what is happening, feeling some sense of strange discomfort or a distant, muffled happiness.. Sometimes I feel like I am a rose petal being picked up by a wave, either flowing forward, running backwards or in the hardest of times, being buffeted in all directions and ending up drowning.
Yesterday, I felt the strange discomfort, that something wasn’t quite right. And yet it should have felt brilliant! While the sun was shining, everyone was laughing as one by one, the golf balls landed in the moat of water around the 5th green and I felt like I had been scooped up by a wave to watch my family from a cloud in the sky. To watch my family from a cloud in the sky, and see myself replaced with a petite, long haired Parisienne and she passed golf clubs out to the boys, cheered at their good hits and giggled at their duff shots.
It didn’t last for long, as I leapt of that cloud and back in to the moment, my moments, turned down her volume and threw her over my shoulder. But it was enough to make me feel sick.
Today, I was relieved to be back to being a rose petal, being pulled by the tide back in to a flow towards our future; school planning, multiple house selling and house purchasing and all the semantics that go with it, not to mention the spiders web of insurance claims and the hot potato that is being passed from one to the next.
Gabrielle Bernstein talks about the 5 steps for spiritual surrender and how to unlearn control and planning of our life. She reminded me of those today and as I listened to her, it reminded me of being on my waves, allowing life to take me on a journey. The hardest times have been those that I have resisted what was happening, trying to take back control, forcing a decision, forcing a future. Those were probably the times I ended up drowning.
Now as I feel I am so close to being free, feeling free, I know I have to let go even more. Let go of my desired outcomes and wait for the signs to show me the way and know that it is the right way and at the right time.