It’s like all the blood drains from my cheeks all the way down through my legs and flows out of the bottom of my feet, making me feel weak, reptilian, heart of ice.
It happens in a split second of my thought process…
Today it started with an old memory triggered by a song I loved and reminded me of my uni days – Oasis’ ‘So Sally can wait!’ And with the next breath the blood drains as quickly as a dam opening, as a thought triggers new memories in quick succession leading me down a path I didn’t intend to go as I sang happily along…
My whole mood and day changed from sunny and happy to emptiness and again that question – what am I doing? Am I doing the right thing? Will forgiveness and trust ever be something I can give myself and him? Can we build a life and a second marriage if those aren’t possible?
I am putting myself under enormous pressure to do both as move date approaches. The excitement and tension mounts as we talk to architects to go through development and conversion plans and the scale of the project we have in front of us. Can we handle the pressure if the fundamentals aren’t yet tight knit and locked into our foundations?
And then I ask myself, the same question I asked myself this time last year as I lay crying on my bed in Vegas, what’s the worst that could happen?
And the answer is the same… we sell up and I move to the South, back to the safety and surety of my dad, my sis and the iron ring. Knowing I tried and did my best to rebuild, forgive and nurture us back together. I have done that once before, felt joy after sorrow. I am willing to give it another go, but the back out, survival plan is the same.
And knowing I have a plan for all eventuality gives me strength … and slowly the warmth seeps back into my body, melting the iciness of my heart and the blood starts to flow life back into my veins.
This is the process I have been using for 6 months. It has had a lot of practice and now I have it down to a 4 hour art…. rather than a 4 week, 4 day one…. roll on it being a 4 minute one, even a 4 second reset one!