Today I had to use journaling for emergency purposes.  I have felt and been calm for so long (or longer than the normal 10 minutes or hour… I made it for a whole week).  I am out from the depths of the bottom of the ocean, no longer even floating, but standing on the shore, contemplating the climb, visualising the dream life on the other side of the mountain.

 

But a couple of unthoughtful comments from the Big Man about tea and cars, threw me off track and left me tense and impatient that fuelled the flames of a grumpy child, enraging me further for not being able to stay calm and centred.

 

But I have learnt.  With the pent up anger, frustration and the rising of supressed feelings of depression there are a few things I will always do before reaching for something stronger; that is last resort, Christmas Day type emergency…

 

Change my state, change my attitude, drown out the noises in my head with music or words, get outside in the fresh air and increase my heart rate. And write.

 

So I pulled on wellies and a woollie hat, plugged in a podcast and paced and strode and slipped in mud until my heart was pounding and my breathing laboured.  And then as I leant to catch my breath, I wrote.

 

I wrote fast and furious, until all the words were out.

 

It was controversial and close to the bone.

 

And I will save it for my book.

 

But in the meantime, I feel better.