I am sitting in that beautiful soft late afternoon, early evening sunlight looking out over the pool to the mountain view behind. And I am thinking how relaxed and peaceful I feel. I could even be brave enough to say that I feel happy.
I realise as I type those words, it took me a few moments hesitation to want write them. Part wondering if it was true. But partly because of nerves, fear.
I am aware that I am frightened to say them for fear of the feeling being snuffed out like a candle flame, just as it did in October. In that one moment… from joy, peace and happiness to despair, disbelief and devastation. That fear, the fear of being robbed of happiness has been somewhat paralysing.
But yet here I am, with the corners of my mouth turned upwards, feeling happy.
How could I not? It has been a beautiful day here in Cape Town, at the beautiful Llandudno Beach, splashing in the icy Atlantic Ocean, climbing boulders, playing Frisbee , and eating fresh fish sashimi in Hout Bay, bumping in to an old friend from the long distant past of school days and pub nights.
There has been no time to think sad or unhappy thoughts or dwell for longer than a split second on ugly memories.
In this moment, I am happy here. I am happy here with my boys, just my boys. Being looked after and supported by wonderful friends.