Throughout my reiki session this week, apparently I was giving off the image of a tunnel heading towards a bright light.  But as I was travelling through the tunnel, there were periods of darkness with moments of light interspersed along the way.

 

So have decided that to say I had a ‘good’ day probably isn’t really realistic.  To say I had a better day or a worse day is probably a better gauge of how dark I feel..

 

On the scale today, I was worse than yesterday. But perhaps better than my darkest day last week.

 

My earliest memory of Christmas was always the Christingle service in the church I was christened and eventually, the church we were married at the same time of year.  The entire church was decked out with candles, big chandeliers from the ceiling, tall candles at the end of each pew and each member of the congregation held a candle too.  It was magical.  As we bellowed out the carols, it marked the start of Christmas, the countdown to the big day but for me, it signified all my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents being together as a family.   Even from a little girl, their presence excited me more than their presents.

 

So today, there was dark and light.

 

Darkness because I was alone at Christingle again.  Darkness squeezing my heart when Tom replies that all he wants for Christmas is his family together again.  Darkness because I remember the excuses of last year and darkness because of the choices made this year.

 

But I was reminded, as the chaplain turned off the chapel lights, darkness is required to allow the candle flames to shine brighter.

 

So in my darkness today, I reminded myself to look for many small flickering lights that glow.  And as the school choir sang silent night, I started to count them.