I have been told I will go to hell and back.
I have been told it will be a roller coaster of emotions.
I have been told that I am right where I am meant to be.
Whatever I have been told, it sure feels like a dance. One step forward and two steps back and sometimes all in the same day.
With a bit more sleep and a bit more food, I am able to control more of my highly irrational thoughts and feelings and I am able to respond in a calmer way to the ‘triggers’. And I am able to be present in the moment, repel thoughts of the past and panic less over the future, future choices and decisions.
Being present in the moment, I am able to enjoy a badass gym session with my badass buddies, I am able to enjoy a conversation with a compassionate and loving friend and I can focus on my super boys, watch them in their performance and listen as they share their thoughts on the day.
And then comes ‘the moment’. The moment that I am brought back to life as Willy gives us his separately drawn Christmas cards, and one with the message,
‘To Dady, I happy you have a gud Christmas from Willy. I wish you culd be lifing with us.’
And my heart breaks.
And my head screams in anger, resentment and total frustration.
And my chest tightens with the overwhelming realisation that while he put us in this situation, it is me that can relieve it as soon as I can answer the question of whether I can forgive enough.
The pressure is crushing.
And while I may have floated slightly off my rocky sea bed, it is those moments that has me right back at the bottom, floored. The only option to breathe and focus on blowing bubbles, watching them float up to the surface.
And while I am there, I focus on the words a friend sent to me today:
‘You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.’