I can’t stop reverting back to the words of Meredith.
‘Sometimes the past is something you can’t let go of.
And sometimes the past is something we will do anything to forget.
And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.’
I am stuck in between the past I know and the past now revealed; I am stuck between the past I don’t understand and a future I can no longer see; I am stuck in the middle, just surviving each moment that passes.
I am stuck trying to accept the past, the uncovered events, knowing that it can’t be changed, that it is what it is, even though I didn’t know it. I am the ignorant fool I was so frightened of becoming.
I am stuck concentrating on trying to understand the future, knowing that each moment in the present has an impact, a bearing on the choices and path I take. I am the writer of my next chapter, pen poised, but can’t put the nib in the ink.
I am stuck between my head and my heart.
I am stuck in my head with all the facts, all the stones overturned and all the secrets laid bare. My head is telling me what to write next, loudly, clearly, resolutely, absolutely and calmly.
I am stuck in my heart, tender, honest, scarred and torn. My heart still beating is asking me to write a different story to my head, quietly, whispering, gently and nervously.
I am stuck.
I don’t like being stuck and standing still. To get ‘unstuck’ I know I just have to make a decision. Take the first step, write the first word..
But perhaps I am still just catching my breath?
And perhaps that is exactly where I am meant to be? Breathing. Breathing through each moment. Considering and reflecting on the past in order to shape a new future. Listening to both my head and my heart….
…Until I feel I am ready to put that pen to paper and start the next chapter.