There are so many kind people in my life. Messages, flowers, gifts of giant chocolate buttons, quotes, photos of helpful passages, the feeling of support and love is overwhelming. Overwhelming in a nice way… a heavy blanket kind of way, secure, reassuring … just there. I can feel the weight of it, but I am unable to do anything with it… push it away or bring it closer.
I read the messages, but I have no energy to respond.
I smile at the pretty flowers and I eat the chocolates, but they don’t fill the void.
I ponder the quotes and passages, but today they just feel like empty words.
With the boys back at school, I have no focus, no reason to stay strong. I am allowing the wheels to fall off the bus, allowing myself to crumble slowly.
I fill the empty, quiet house with the voice of an old guru friend, Tony Robbins.
‘Pain is part of life’ he says. ‘Pain is like a well… you can choose to fill it with fear or with love… you can choose to fill it with anger, resentment or you can fill it with beauty, love, strength and spiritual fulfilment’.
My pain well is not filled with anger or resentment, bitterness or revenge. But nor is it yet filled with beauty and love. It is currently just a deep emptiness, numbness, shame, humiliation and sorrow. I believe that I need to let those emotions flow through the well first before I fill it up with the good stuff… otherwise it will continue to bubble away at the bottom of this deep pit, bubble away while it is ignored until it can no longer stay quiet.
He continues, ‘Suffering happens when life isn’t they way you thought it should be, especially if something outside your control f*cks it up! But step up and out of suffering. Suffering is not the story. Pain is a part of life, suffering is an option.’
I do tend to agree with him… suffering because of the actions of another is painful. But perhaps, sitting with the suffering is part of the process of healing. And once healed, you then have the clarity to take that step, to step out, up and onwards. But from experience, rushing that first step can only lead you back to a slippery slope down into the well of suffering.
So right now, I am going to stay here, and allow myself to feel the pain, experience the suffering and know that I have a blanket of support around me, that I hope will forgive me if I fail to respond, reply or acknowledge their presence.