Today, I woke to the sound of the boys leaving the house at 6.30am…And the slamming of the back door marked my day of solitude.
I had made a mental list of all the things I was going to do, accomplish, all the things I should be doing to continue to heal emotionally, mentally and keep physically able and strong, my therapeutic practices.
Today I did everything I shouldn’t…. I stayed in bed, watched box sets, snoozed, ate toast and jam, dripping with butter…
Instead of my morning mindfulness, calm and meditational breathing, I let my mind get noisy, watched crap tv, filling my head with rubbish.
Instead of eating food for fuel, I ate for comfort.
Instead of getting out in the fresh air to run, walk, breathe, I lay under my 10 tog duvet.
Instead of unpacking, washing, tidying, clearing up, I just left it… because I can, no one to tut at the untidiness.
Today I did everything I shouldn’t according to all books about finding happiness within, healing, forgiveness, trust… and then perhaps, for the first time in two weeks, I felt like not ‘trying’ so hard. I didn’t have anyone to put a ‘face’ on for… just me and the cat.
Today’s therapy was a different kind of therapeutic practice.
And one of my favourite series was back. Meredith Grey never fails to provide me with a few lines that relate to my life, words for me to think on.
‘Best to keep the past in the past. Move on. Learn from it. If we don’t learn from our mistakes, we wind up in a future that we would never choose.
The past is written. There is no changing it. What is done is done. But the future is ours to chose, for better or worse.’
As a postscript, I congratulate myself on making a delicious roast beef and trimmings for the boys’ return… and eating it.