Exhaustion, laziness or boredom.
There is a fine line between all three. I can’t work out which one I am.
Snow White says I am emotionally exhausted and I should rest, take care of myself, be kind to myself… listen to my heart, my gut … sleep, eat, rest, ignore everyone except myself. She cheers me on when I play with the boys fully present…. She is my biggest cheerleader for putting the boys first, my family first, me first.
Dobby says I am a lazy good for nothing. He drowns any good thoughts with goading, self loathing. He tuts as I have a biscuit, frowns when I decide not to go for a run, sighs in disgust as lay on the sofa for some quiet time. He says I am using grief, exhaustion, the events of the last 12 months as an excuse to do nothing because I am just lazy, a freerider…
And then there’s the third voice…. The voice of the Big Man. He says he is frustrated for me. He sees a brilliant mind, a brilliant person reduced to boredom. He says I can do anything I want and would be brilliant at it… and still be a good, present Mum.
So who do I believe?
I believe bits of all of them…
I believe Snow White that I am exhausted… but Dobby makes me feel guilty for taking the time to rest, so the battle tires me future.
I want to believe the Big Man… and maybe I am a bit bored, but I also believe I am not yet ready to throw myself into more change, put more pressure on myself just yet.
One thing I have decided though… when I do decide I am bored, I am not going backwards. Only forward. To something brand new, something exciting… but something that puts my boys, my family, my health first… something I believe in and something that will make a difference in the lives of others. Something that just gives me peace in my heart and in my mind.
The sticky buds on the chestnut tree are just starting to break through. I feel a bit like that.
Spring. New shoots. New starts. Warming up for the Big Summer.