Today I wish I could have been a cat. I look at Percy. So snug and comfortable… Snoozing… sleeping.. stretching… being stroked and loved on. Someone to feed him, someone to let him out to play.
A couple of things knocked me today.
A conversation at morning coffee when someone’s family member is not in a good way and they are waiting for them to die, talking about how it would be better for them, for everyone if that happened sooner rather than later. It stirred up emotions.
I tried to distract myself with shopping for the weekend – friends for dinner and cooking my wonderful Mother in law her favourite family meal…
It all went a little pear shaped at the card stands; this time, it did suddenly hit me that I didn’t need one. I have one for my lovely mother in law… but it was the first time I didn’t need one for my Mumbo. I bought one anyway.
I tried cooking to cheer my mood. But the chopping therapy, methodical mixing and delicious aromas didn’t really help. But at least the boys have a yummy tea.
I gave up after that. An hour before pick up and I curled up on the sofa. I went to get Willy and then brought him back to my sofa and we are curled up eating grapes and strawberries.
Am I sad or just exhausted from being positive and ok all the time?
Is it just the grief and all the pent up emotions from the last month or the last 7 months…?
Is it the rollercoaster of watching my Mum degrade so rapidly and then die so suddenly…?
Is it all of the above weaved in to a continually changing life with a husband working away, watching a son being victimised, hurt and broken and another little boy mirroring my emotional state?
Whatever it is, it is an alien feeling and I am not entirely sure what to do with it.
Most days I can mask it with focussing on everything I am grateful for; my lovely boys, running, pilates, friends… I listen to and read positive books. I justify my existence by mentally checking off all the things I do in the day, for the Big Man, the boys, for friends, clients… I fill my day, my time, my mind.
But today, I just want to be a cat. I would quite like to sleep all day and with the occasional someone to stroke my back and bring me food…