You could say I got lost on my run today.

You could also say that I found my way home today.

Even still, you could say that I was distracted by a whatsapp conversation and I stopped paying attention to my route.

And furthermore, you could say that it was meant to be, as I ended up at the butchers and ran home with a bag of meat, thus killing two birds with one stone.

 

You could say I have been feeling rather lost recently.

You could also say that I have let a lot of ‘stuff’ go, including ambition and drive to run a global company and even the desire to write a book.

Even still, you could say that I was distracted by death, broken by love and I stopped paying attention to my life direction; well my aspirational life anyway.

And furthermore, you could say that it was meant to be, as I have ended up in dream home, picking flowers and figs from the garden, baking cakes, stirring chutney, marinating lamb and overseeing 4 little boys having piggy back races; thus killing off anything unnecessary, giving focus only to the important elements.

 

Sometimes it is good to get lost; if only to find yourself again, better for the experience.

In a day full of lovely, happy thoughts, doing happy, lovely things, one strong one remains with me. The memory of my once shy, timid, sad little boy dancing in front of a mirror, wiggling his hips, tipping back his hat and admiring his new shirt and shorts, knowing he looked good.

As this happy thought floated in my head another joined it. Is it just youth that makes you love your image? Perhaps growing to vanity as you mature and are exposed to society's image of beauty, style and cool.

And as the thoughts tumbled, I smiled a wry smile as I promised myself that tomorrow, when I dress, rather than the torrent of dagger like jibes my mind throws my mirrored image, I will follow the boys's lead and tip back my head, flick my hair, gyrate my hips, point my finger and tell myself I look hot!

There is, simply, no place like home.

No tension.
No memories.
No demons.

Just us.
Just home.
Just a happy future ahead.

Some of us were up with the sun to go surfing, some of us rolled over under the duvet.

Some of us went dune running, some of us went sailing.

Some of us were brave enough to go on the donut without a wetsuit, Some of us were wise and didn't bother.

Some of us had deep dried seafood for lunch,
Some of us wished we had.

Some of us went jumping in the waves, some of us just enjoyed the ice creams and polzeath sunshine.

Some of us remember the theory of fish and friends and the 3 day rule, some of us are leaving and some are staying.

Some of us are sleeping peacefully, some of us are wondering if the demons will ever be at peace with each other.

It has been a long time since a book gripped me and pulled me into its story. Maybe this one did because of the way it touched on the parallels of my story of grief and loss, of betrayal and temptation, of brothers and sisters and a love of Italy.

It made me feel the fear of more of the same to come… because death is inevitable.

It made me feel the joy of hope and love … because life is also inevitable.

On a rainy day, it was the perfect book to snuggle under the duvet with my two little sleeping angels and snuffle in their warmth and smile At their little snores and feel the life and adventures we have ahead of us.

It has been a long time since a book gripped me and pulled me into its story. Maybe this one did because of the way it touched on the parallels of my story of grief and loss, of betrayal and temptation, of brothers and sisters and a love of Italy.

It made me feel the fear of more of the same to come… because death is inevitable.

It made me feel the joy of hope and love … because life is also inevitable.

On a rainy day, it was the perfect book to snuggle under the duvet with my two little sleeping angels and snuffle in their warmth and smile At their little snores and feel the life and adventures we have ahead of us.

Sunday. The traditional day of rest. And today I took that literally… with no running, no surfing, no cooking. Just reading my book as the boys buried each other in the sand and I took the obligatory photo. And sneaking off to read mid afternoon and finding myself dead to the world a few hours later, only to be woken by a pile-on of boys.

Sunday. The traditional day of family. And today it was just us 4, for the majority of the day, extending to friends whom we have known as long as family and who take us, just as we are, warts, history and All, with no shame, no comment, just appreciating our 'shit wine' and company…. hopefully not too shit… until we stagger home happy and rested, ready for a new week.

And so at the end of one of those
Perfect Cornwall days, it seems rather fitting that we have a good soul searching, honest talking date night, including shooting stars! And even more so that I was dressed as an octopus. Photo care of 'my gorgeous Big Man.'

It felt good last night to set out my intentions for the next day. To know how it was going to be a success and for me to know I was going to do things that bring me happiness and joy. In my period of low, sad and loneliness I kept the mantra going that I needed to 'do what brings me joy, so I can bring joy to others.' I feel it horribly when I am sad through the sad eyes of the boys just as much as I feel their delight and happiness when it is mirrored in mine….

It felt good this evening knowing I realised my intentions, just as good as it did when I donned my running shoes and ran through the sand dunes in the rain and even better as we all pulled on wet suits and took a deep breath and plunged into the waves.

All of it felt good….and in those moments I didn't feel the under currents. There is something there again. Not anger this time. And I don't think sad. Just a strange feeling …. and as I sit in the rain, listening to the wipers and eating a bag of buttons all to myself (doing what brings me joy!) in peace and quiet… it almost feels like the last threads are ready to let go of the past. But my intuition and my threat system won't quite loosen the grip. And there is a battle going on somewhere deep down inside….

While the war rages, I will continue with my intentions, bringing joy to myself and others, until the battle is won and I can finally let go.

The forecast for our holiday is for rain.  Every day.  It feels rather depressing.

 

Right now the thought of going back home for a week is rather tempting.  We have hardly spent any time there as a family, one our own as a family.  But it is going to rain there too!

 

So I guess, I will have to embrace the wet, don my wetsuit and get in the waves and not worry about the rain!

 

But first, I am going to go for a run. My first run in months.  I love running in the rain.  And I hope that will lift my spirits.

 

And get me out of the house.