Intentions, joy and a battle

It felt good last night to set out my intentions for the next day. To know how it was going to be a success and for me to know I was going to do things that bring me happiness and joy. In my period of low, sad and loneliness I kept the mantra going that I needed to 'do what brings me joy, so I can bring joy to others.' I feel it horribly when I am sad through the sad eyes of the boys just as much as I feel their delight and happiness when it is mirrored in mine….

It felt good this evening knowing I realised my intentions, just as good as it did when I donned my running shoes and ran through the sand dunes in the rain and even better as we all pulled on wet suits and took a deep breath and plunged into the waves.

All of it felt good….and in those moments I didn't feel the under currents. There is something there again. Not anger this time. And I don't think sad. Just a strange feeling …. and as I sit in the rain, listening to the wipers and eating a bag of buttons all to myself (doing what brings me joy!) in peace and quiet… it almost feels like the last threads are ready to let go of the past. But my intuition and my threat system won't quite loosen the grip. And there is a battle going on somewhere deep down inside….

While the war rages, I will continue with my intentions, bringing joy to myself and others, until the battle is won and I can finally let go.

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