I had forgotten how tiring it was to have ambition and parent. Or to parent had have ambition.
I had forgotten what it was like to have such a brilliant, productive and exciting day, only to to be screamed at by a small person, telling you that you have ruined their life. Take it personally and it bursts your bubble, but really, it is just their tiredness, their hunger or their frustration at some small thing being projected at you.
As an ambitious parent, the art of deflection, sometimes absorption has to become second nature. As an ambitious parent, you have to let the ticker tape of exciting plans in your mind go… let them fly into the wind like streamers, and give your soul, mind and full attention to an angry small person. I have learnt compassion, eye level talks, a gentle touch work far better than the moments, you try to hold the ticker tape. Holding the streamers, the ribbons that fly in your mind prevent you from giving yourself to them. And they know it. Holding on, you get caught in the trap of frustration of trying to focus on two things…. And that just ends badly. Anger and frustration clashing all over the place just causes fireworks, tears, slammed doors.
But the reverse is also true. You can have the most disappointing of days, the devastating of days and just the small act of a small hand slipping in to yours, the comforting little arms around your middle, soft lips, soft cheeks offered up to you, a giggle, a laugh and an invite to dance. Those little magical moments can provide one big puff to blow back up that deflated balloon. You are someone to somebody. To someone, you are there world, their inspiration, their everything. In those moments, life is put back in to perspective. It is in those moments of letting go of the frustrations of ambition, clear air fills the balloon and creativity is regenerated.
I have learnt so many times over that the art of happiness is living in the one moment. The one you are in. A parent. An ambitious individual. You can do and be both. But in the same moment, the two tussle. My unhappiness is always present in the tussle. Happiness is just being one and at one with the moment and loving it.