I was asked today how and whether I was managing to trust again. It was in the context of how I could trust again after betrayal.
And it is an interesting question.
I know I went through a phase of worrying and thinking and musing and pondering about trust. And whether I could ever trust him again. Whether I could trust friends again. Whether I could trust anyone again.
And as I sit here, watching the sun go down behind the trees at the end of the fields, I am still wary of trust. But, a while ago, I stopped worrying about trusting the Big Man and trusting friends who had broken the very same.
Because can you really every trust anyone? I know I trust my sister and my Dad. I know that with a certainty. I know that because of the bond we have. And I know that anything they do or say will always be out of love for me, protection maybe too, but never anything that would hurt me to the point I couldn’t trust them.
So, while I recognised that a while ago now. When I let go of the worry bead about trust, when I stopped trying to force trust between us, I felt better. And that is because I refocussed all elements of trust towards myself and did the whole ‘love before fear’ thing. I focussed on falling in love again with him and finding trust in myself.
If I couldn’t trust anyone else, could I trust myself? And at the time, I didn’t. I didn’t trust myself to do what I said I would do, if my trust was broken again. That lead me to the point where I have rebuilt the trust in myself. I trust myself to do what is necessary each and every time someone breaks my trust and hurts me.
I did this by looking at each of Brene’s Marbles of trust and putting it back into my own marble jar: excerpt from https://thealisandwiches.com/2017/05/20/unpacking-trust/:
There are marbles for respecting Boundaries, being Reliable and doing what you said you would do, being Accountable for your actions, mistakes and making amends for them, holding secrets in a Vault that is not meant for the ears of others, having Integrity by living your values, being Non judgemental when people ask something of you and by being Generous in your thoughts of others, always seeing the best first.
I trust myself. I have all my marbles. And I love my Big Man again.
And while I have been doing this work on myself, I know that the Big Man has been putting the marbles back in his own jar, to trust himself and at the same time, nurturing the love I had hidden inside of me, that he knew was still there.
And as I write this, I realise that by both of us doing that, the trust between us and the marble jars we hold of each other are filling up too. The trust is rebuilding, alongside the love.
That in itself, leads me to the next question of myself; is that trust ever going to be anything more than precarious? Is love enough? Will just one marble being taken out cause the rest to follow and leave us empty of trust again?
I don’t know. But maybe. Perhaps in another 9 months, I will surprise myself by thinking of trust again and recognise and appreciate how far I have come, we have come. Just like I have this evening.