The monkey, the leak, gratitude and joy, none of it really matters or even stands a chance when the tidal wave of grief and loss and the tsunami of memories and shame flood your every cell.
I may have climbed my mountain and marvelled at the view of how far I have come and where I once gazed upon the miracle ahead and which I now live and breathe; but water climbs mountains and settles high above when the volume is greater.
That happened yesterday.
It was a strange feeling. Because I was on my mountain, I had a life and commitments that perhaps once I would have let go of, had I still been under the sea. And while I continued with life, I felt as though I was swimming through the emotions while going through the motions. Rather than hiding under a duvet in bed, I hid behind a blanket of smiles and chat.
This morning, as I was brought a beautiful tray of breakfast in bed, I could feel the waves had settled and were waning, falling away to reveal the devastation. This time, I learnt through the process that to become resilient to shame, that is to get back up again after it floors you, is to recognise it, determine the trigger that caused the eruption, share it and talk about it. It took me a while but the moment I did, I felt myself recovering.