AS I was driving along yesterday and again today, I was pondering my new found loneliness status, and I wondered how on earth this could be, when I was constantly bombarded with the many characters and their voices in my head?…

 

Am I going mad?  Or Is everyone like me?

 

Over a power coffee and tour this morning, I was quite relieved to hear that on discussing with a friend, I am not.  Or perhaps it is just the 2 of us that are going mad…..or, even better perhaps we are sane and the rest of the world is madly boring with their quiet heads and thoughtless brains.  But I wonder if anyone is quite at the same extent as I am?

 

I decided to capture my thoughts… over a 5 minute period from driving from the gym to the petrol station… afterwards obviously.

 

 

“I must get cash out to pay for babysitter … and taxi.
What shall I wear this weekend – I must shave my legs.
Don’t forget AA batteries and some more of willy’s bread.
Ask nutritionist friend about best food to promote growth, in coeliacs especially.
Must make lunch – what shall I have that won’t bloat me, make me fat or feel guilty – the nutritionist on lewis howes was good – the fab 4 for all meals – protein, fibre, greens and good fats… I will go with that.
Shit – babysitters for my sister in law back in Boston spa – I wonder if the girls are back from uni ?
Remember to tell friend junction 50 is shut and to come on slip road
I think I can see some muscle formation coming back on my shoulders – high five me!
Must ask tom about his new book / he looked like he was enjoying it this am.
Where’s the cat? Did he get out?
What shall I cook for Sunday lunch for the family?
Ring my bff and send card for 10th anniversary.
Don’t think you should wear short skirt – legs not yet up to it
When did I last wash my hair? Is it 3rd or 4th day?
Bollocks – I left my water bottle on the spin bike…
Fill up the car with petrol
Am I giving the boys enough attention? If I died tomorrow would they know how much I love them and how incredible they both are? Tom’s curls are to die for and I just want to kiss Willy’s little brown furry back… sounds weird..
I wonder if James is sad because or me … or Job stress … or life? Is she back in his life? I have just seen 2 number plates with her name on and the woman speaking on radio is lady Pamela…
Fuck fuck fuck…
don’t think about that…
The last architect was quite dishy … but would you? Don’t be daft….makes my skin go funny…

 

….

 

…I think I might be sick….

Redirect!
So when the boys leave home what will I do? Shall I retrain in something? Pt? Nutrition? Write my book?  Go travelling?
Crap – still haven’t got Ivan a present.
Must ring dad – think he is going away again!  Love that.
Good god, what shall I cook for tea?  I can’t remember what is left in the fridge?

Oh – look at that.  I am still blond!  Better than grey!

Can you all shut up? Please??? “

It is no wonder I have fallen in love with meditation and mindfulness….

 

A while later, this evening, I raise the point in our counselling session, about my loneliness.  She says we need about 6 interactions or connections a day;  meaningful ones.  Not just a nerf gun to the head or a grunt from a mobile phone…. Or conversation on social media.

 

I think I need more power coffees with people who have busy brains like mine.