Back in December, I came across the Japanese proverb which inferred that all cracks, all breaks should be seen as beautiful and a way of introducing light on the subject. I have kept that dear to my heart and mind in order to keep composure, heal my broken heart and relationship with the Big Man.
Today, as I look at the broken and cracked window panes, broken bricks and cracked sills, warped walls and crumpled plaster, I reminded myself of the same. While the cracks and damage will be repaired, the light permeating isn’t necessarily a way of letting more sunshine in to the already beautiful living room, but perhaps a light to guide the way to find the right builders and architects to help us with our many projects we have in the house, the surrounding outbuildings and fields. The two I met and discussed the current issue as well as the exciting plans ahead, are definite possibilities. That is the light, providing hope and direction.
While we are so focussed on the now and how these moments will impact our future together, this evening was also a touch point with our therapist.
It is quite remarkable how far we have come.
The calm, open debate and relaxed discussion of this evening is a million miles away from the heated tirade and torrent of disgust that parted my lips and the tears of remorse and distressed anguish of a man faced with losing everything in his life just 9 short months ago. The honest truth and obviously appreciative, loving thoughts and feelings shared between the two of us now, the mutual respect clear when in previous years had a couple sat on the sofa numbed with shame from hiding the truth, cold and agressive or acquiescent, desperate to please, small, hurt and frightened.
Looking back, it still hurts. Really hurts to know what happened, but acceptance is beginning to solidify and close off the past events. And even I can see the light, appreciate the beauty of the cracks that are being healed and sealed with gold. And perhaps one day I will have the perspective and distance to know that they made us the incredible form and formidable force that we are and will continue to be, even if I can’t quite allow myself to recognise that now.
And I am even on the verge of thinking that there is a woman somewhere, who I hope is also healing, seeing the beauty of her scars and allowing her compassion to let light in, despite her decisions and actions. Those thoughts are there… like the shark who watches in the murky light just out of sight, but that I just can’t quite hold on to, see and believe to be true.
But one day. In another 9 months or another 9 years, maybe. But tonight, I can see the light everywhere.