Last night while I had ‘let go’ I was struggling with the next phase, acceptance of the situation. I could no longer breathe and live in the moment, I couldn’t distract myself with positive thoughts and daydreams of the future, pinteresting and planning…. so that left only the past. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think in the claustrophobic space that was once my home, now just an address. I couldn’t bear to be near or in the same room as the Big Man and panic set in…
Did I think a house would fix it all, me, us, life? What was I thinking?! How could I have thought that? Did I really think that, or am I just overthinking and over analyzing everything again…
The dream house arrived just as I was walking away back in January … The dream house tempted me back… to give it, us, another go. It was a fresh start. And just as we had done when we moved from London to Yorkshire, an opportunity. An opportunity to renovate an old listed building, to convert an old coach house and develop some land…. renovate, convert and build. All synergistic with our relationship, our marriage and our family life.
And now it is a house of cards. Tumbling down. Not meant to be.
Does that mean the same for us? Our marriage?
Now that I can’t see or count on the future, the past catches back up with me.
I could see his pain, his sadness and anger that it hadn’t all worked out as he was tirelessly planning for. His frustration that an elderly emotional man wasted our time. And money. (This Great British house buying malarkey is just horrendous. On all levels. For everyone involved.)
But I didn’t want his emotions. I wanted to focus on mine and feel mine, let mine go. Last year, in a similar position, I wanted to grieve the loss of Mumbo, and yet he projected his guilt and anger on to me, making me take the blame for the state of our relationship, so he didn’t have to recognise what he was doing, so he could keep his emotions in their compartmentalised boxes. At that time, I did what I thought was the right thing, I accepted the blame, I absorbed his emotions and focused on making him feel better, in favour of being compassionate to myself and putting my feelings first.
Wisdom comes from experience and learning life’s lessons. Last night, I recognized that this time, I needed to deal with my feelings first and therefore, dealing with my own grief and anger and frustration for the loss of our future and our dreams of new life and fresh start in North Yorkshire… I would not absorb his too. I did not have the capacity.
And yet all I wanted to do was hold his hands, painfully covered in excema from the stress of it all. Cup his tired, ashen face in my hands and empathise and share our loss together. But I couldn’t as I wasn’t not yet ready to look him in the eye because the well of sadness and remorse was too much for me to take on. I spent the evening and the night avoiding him…
As I lay this morning, trying to let the anger and emotion pass through, I worked on my mind to be in the here and now. We are meant to live in the now, the simple passing of each moment…. but how do we do that when the now is not so pleasant to be in?
The question was answered right on cue, in my daily calm session, advising that we always have the choice to accept, to change or to leave our present situation. If you can’t leave or change it, you have to accept it… by not accepting you resist and that only causes more pain and suffering.
I can’t leave and run away. I have beautiful little responsibilities. And to leave and run away with them, would be reckless.
I can’t immediately change my situation. Moving out of a house and into rented accommodation takes time. Changing schools, a lengthy process.
So I have to breathe into acceptance and just find the small pleasures…Accept and understand that by living through the little moments, I will soon realise and notice that all things eventually change.
I feel better this evening.
In the little moments, I have organized new houses to see. In the little moments, I have finalized our half term holiday plans. I can now see a little bit more of an exciting future, next week in the sun, the week after moving in to rented accommodation and finding my space and freedom again.
And by doing so, I accept, that a house doesn’t make a home, the dream house doesn’t mean we have lost the dreams of our future; as my friend quite rightly reminded me, the bricks and mortar don’t make the home, the family does. And this family is a pretty damn strong one.
We are a family of dragon slayers.
I am a dragon, breathing fire in to my dark thoughts so I can see the light.
The dragon in my marriage has been tamed, and now the fierce protector.
The dragon in our dream house has retreated into his cave breathing fire, and by doing so engulfed himself in flames, ‘shooting himself in the foot.’
In every fairy tale, there willl always be dragons…..