I have a lot of favourite books and I have read a lot of good books.  A really stand out book, however, was Susan Jeffer’s ‘Feal the Fear and do it anyway.’  Pretty revolutionary for the girl who has always played it safe, straight and mitigated every ounce of risk out of a decision.  It helped me distinguish between the good fear and the ‘bad’ fear and helped me undo my blue collar shirt and tie up my entrepreneurial converse laces.

 

Right now, I feel that I am less about feeling the fear, but ‘feeling the pain, and doing it anyway’.  Having slowly acknowledged I have been wearing a cloak of numbness, and with the first of the ‘big moves’ complete and our tenants (or are they now our landlords?  I am lost in the legal proceedings right now..) have left the building for a couple of weeks, I have slowly undone the buttons, inched it off my shoulders and let it fall.

 

This has left me feeling totally vulnerable and exposed.

 

I know I need to feel the pain, lean into it, go through it and out to the other side.

 

She was right, Brene.  You can’t just numb one emotion.  You numb them all.  When you unnumb, feelings come back, the good with the bad.

 

Today, I felt the beautiful calmness and gratitude as I walked along the beautiful riverside tracks, smelling the fresh garlic, listening to the river and let laughter with my dearest friend bring a smile to my lips and eyes as we sat in the sun and drank from tumblers full of ice.

 

Today, I felt pain.  A knife wielding pain to my gut and heart but we talked it through as the sun set and laughed at the cows creeping up behind us, part curiosity and part fear of us.  And then they ‘felt the pain’ of the new electric fence….

 

And ran away!