What the experts say

So now that the past and historical facts are all out there, it is time to move forward.  Learn how to move forward.  And there are many experts out there, my favourite psychologists and experts in the field of infidelity are Esther Perel, Steven Stosny and today I came across Janis A. Spring.  They all talk a lot of sense.  And they make sense of many of the uncharacteristic behaviours, thoughts and feelings I have had.


Janis and Esther are on the same wavelength when they talk about a second marriage after betrayal, but to the same person. That it is possible.  Esther says that it is possible, and she asks couples the question, “your first marriage is over, do you want to get married again?”


Janis shares more about how and where she has seen couples turn a catastrophe into something to learn from and grow together and build a second marriage to the same person, but with new skills, a fresh outlook, a rekindled desire.


But she is also bluntly honest; that it takes time.  And that many couples give up all too soon. But those who make it are patient and hold each other together.  They continue to walk the walk of open honesty, hearing and listening and hold each other, especially during the times of dark despair, even when they think there has been far too much damage to ever heal; especially during those times.  The couples who persist with the hard work on themselves and with each other can end up with a life and partnership stronger than before, stronger than many who never have the trauma of a betrayal or infidelity.


I found comfort in her words on emotions.  For my emotions have ruled me, my behaviours, my actions and attitude for the last week or few.  I have let my emotions flow through me, without suppression, but they have left me somewhat exhausted, like any psychological trauma would do.  She elaborates that you mustn’t confuse emotions with reality.  Your feelings of hopeless and despair are not forecasts of the future.


And that gives me hope.  And as I understand, hope is the conduit for miracles.  For on paper, in my head, this situation needs a miracle!  But my heart says the miracle is just hard work and an abundance of patience, tenderness and of love in the hard times.  Not only for each other but also for yourself.


And today, I was tender and patient with myself, rather than be frustrated with my lack of energy.  And I showed love and respect to a man who is grieving and suffering just as much pain as I am.



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