The theme of today has been ‘letting go’.
I let my boys go. I have held them so close to me for the duration. I needed them. They were my rocks, my reason for breathing, living, eating and survival.
But my Dad, the legend that he is, without asking but as a matter of fact, took them for a day of fun, to give me time to myself, to ‘let go’.
The peace of the house was almost stifling, too quiet, my brain chatter too loud. So I lay on the same patch of carpet as I did when Mumbo was dying, by the conservatory, looking out over the valley and let my thoughts go to the thunder of the rain on the glass. I let my mind go.
A while later, I found a comfy leather armchair and a good flat white and got out my book. As always, when the student is ready, the teacher appears and this time her name is Gabrielle Bernstein and her book ‘the Universe has your back’. I was (and still am) intrigued to find out how my latest circumstances could mean how this is the case. The first chapter explains how happiness, success and safety comes when you align yourself to the ‘vibrations of the universe’, and how to ‘let go’ and surrender to all the signs you see around you. I underlined a sentence:
‘She stopped relying on her own strength and subconsciously asked the universe for help.’
And in that moment, I did as I read, as she said and I let go. I let my strength go. My body softened, a tear or two fell down my cheek as I closed my eyes and I surrendered; I let go of all thoughts of trying to find the answers, I let go of trying to understand, I let go of playing the ‘what if’ game, I let go of trying to fathom out what happens next. I let it all go.
I haven’t wandered around the shops without agenda or timeframe for many years, many years. But anytime I do head out to the physical rather than ‘virtual’ shops, I am always drawn to and always have been drawn to book shops. It has always been one of my happy places, to find the latest novel, thriller or best selling cook book and now include the ‘self help’ section. My eyes and fingers wander along the spines and I picked out a book called ‘the happiness project’, rather apt as my next read and a book called ‘write it down, let it go’. I turned to the back to see the summary but it simply said,
‘Let it go: Writing down worries reduces stress and provides long term health benefits.’
It is a little book for writing thoughts, with mindfulness tips and exercises. I wish I had bought it now… but I didn’t. I am not sure why. Next time.
But it (the book, the universe – I am not sure which!) spoke to me. I have been questioning whether I should continue to blog during this emotional time. Share my deepest thoughts and feelings publicly. But just as I committed to a #365dayblogchallenge last year, and I blogged through some turbulent times then, I am committed to my new challenge of #dailyblogforever. And just as people connected to me, publicly or privately during the times when Mumbo was at her worst in the mental hospital and in the dying weeks, sharing their feelings of grief, of Alzheimer’s, of dementia, thanking me for sharing for whatever reason… it seems that I am not alone with my car crash. There are car crashes, juggernauts and RTA’s happening to other people I know and it seems my blog makes them feel less alone, the books I share become books they read, they open up and share their secrets with me.
So the doubt that had crept in, the feeling of uncertainty, insecurity and worry of what people must think… all of that, after reading that one line.. I let it go. I strongly believe as I have done all along, that this act of writing my thoughts, fears, feelings, learnings and ponderings is how I got through last year and I strongly believe how I will get through this one too, and therefore I will continue to let it go.