I woke up at my Dad’s. It is so quiet. There was so much quiet, even in my head this morning that I managed a good 15 minutes of meditation practice, healing my body from the inside and clearing my head of the negative and filling with love, kindness and hope for the future. I felt centred. Mindfulness is a practice I started seriously as Mumbo was dying, but I had practiced to get through the ups and downs of marriage, life, kids, parenting.
Breathing, allowing emotions, thoughts and feelings to wash over me and through my mind, without question, or attachment. I am not strict with myself. I have just learnt to be a watcher. And if my thoughts are frantic and hugely active, then I have trained my mind to focus on a body scan, to be grateful for each part of me, grateful for everyone and everything I love. I say a loving kindness repetition and give love to myself and others who need it. And I then allow my mind to wander to the future and visualise what I want to create, who I want to be.
I see the house we will live in. I visualise the boys coming in through the back door with their muddy feet and happy blond smiles. I visualise my kitchen, full of light and peace and calm. A place for honesty, laughter, discussion and open debate. I see myself fulfilled from a day focussed on doing things I love, rather than feeling under pressure to do what I should. I see a happy household.
The calm and positively focussed start to the day meant I could make sure the boys had a good day, a good ‘holiday’ at Grandad’s.
The food the night before, a few hours sleep and my calmer state, meant I was ready to run. My next medicinal practice.
Some new running shoes had arrived just before we left. And as I put them on, I remarked to the boys that I loved the logo! ‘Happy Run’!!! Running is my happy place. Running with my boys is my even happier place. As they cycle alongside me, they count me down from 10 and then we all sprint and pedal as fast and as far as we can!
The wind in our hair made us all whoop out loud! Blue skies above us, fresh air in our lungs and orange trees around us – a beautiful morning to be alive!
There is always hope.
Willy said something to me, or was it Tom… Perhaps it was Tom… either way – one of them said, when I was in your Tummy Mummy, I decided to be a boy. I decided to have blond hair. I decided when I wanted to come out of you.
There is hope. But more importantly, I have the power to decide. I have complete power on what happens next, who I decide to be and where I want to go. As a new baby is conceived, so is a new life. And only time will tell what will happen, and I can decide how long that time is before this life is born.
And until then, I will ‘run happy’.