With Mumbo dying earlier this year, Tom being victimised, the Big Man in London, Willy being lost and lonely, I held it together.  I held it together by being a survivor.  Or actually, the experiences were teaching me how to be a survivor.  The techniques I learnt through that time, are serving me well now.

 

Forgiveness.  Love.  Kindness. Compassion.  Feeling the pain.  Living in the moment.  Positivity.  Mental Gardening.  Vulnerability.  Inner strength. The power of intention.  Peace.  Abundance.   The power of your thoughts. The power of your words.  The  power of choice.  Meditation. Mindfulness. Gratitude.  Always gratitude.

 

I will be always grateful to my teachers Dr Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Jen Sincero, Tony Robbins, Brene Brown, Oprah Winfrey, Eckhart Tolle, Rhonda Byrne, Robin Sharma, David Hamilton, Susan Jeffers and more for showing me how to prepare for impact.

 

Today, I feel stronger.  Well in this moment anyway.

 

My morning meditation start with the words I found from my book in the summer, ‘I love me’. “I am loving kindness”  and then I add “I am happy, confident, full of happiness and free from pain.”  I repeat and breathe until I feel it flow through my body.  And then I give the same to others who I feel need it.  For the last few months, I have been focussing on my sister and on the Big Man.  I could feel their pain, or their frustrations.  It helped me show and feel compassion, to be and show patience when in their presence.

 

As I say those words repeatedly today, it brings me peace and calm and the clarity of what and how I need to act and be in the next few minutes, moments … difficult days and weeks to come.

 

I can see two paths ahead of me.  To play the victim.  Or to play the survivor.

 

To play the victim, I would lay blame, hate, anger at the door of another.  Perhaps lash out, deflect the hurt caused and inflict pain back. I would focus on revenge, be blinded by my anger.   I see a person shrivelled in black, bent over, weak and nasty, turned ugly with evil.

 

To play the survivor, I would focus on myself and others.  Heal myself, strengthen from within.  Do the right thing, the respectful thing, the elegant thing.  I would focus on love, peace and healing,  forgiveness and gratitude for all I have, all I have learnt.  I see a person in white, tall, respectful and calm, peaceful with light.

 

I know who I am. I know who I truly am.  I know the path to choose and the person to be.  Because it feels right.

 

As I am calm and open, I am open to the universe and the messages it is sending me.   And because I am clear on my path, I recognise the messages in the right way.

 

In the background to discussions, Countryfile last night followed a beautiful Kingfisher, regal and strong, proud and true…. Before it bent over and started stabbing the eyes out of a fish it had in its claws.  I hear you Mumbo.  I know you are there.  Telling me to stand tall, stay proud.  I am the survivor, not the victim.

 

As we stand in the kitchen, I can smell a bad smell.  I can’t work it out.

 

And then I remember the gammon joint I was cooking for Monday family supper.  I had taken it out of the aga and put in the cold oven to keep from the dog.  4 days on, it smells like rotten pig.  It did nothing for my lack of appetite, but it did make me laugh with the irony.  I am the survivor, not the victim.

 

I choose to survive.  I am prepared for this.  I am strong.

 

Dr Wayne Dyer reminded me today of two things as I turned on my audiobook, it felt like he was in the passenger seat next to me, my advisor.

 

One – Detach yourself from the outcome.  You can’t make everyone see what you see.

 

“When you become the observer, you detach yourself from the outcome. You get your ego and everything in the material world out of the picture, and you allow the highest part of you to observe the circumstance. You remove all that inner turbulence, anguish, fear, and anxiety, and you then replace it with the calmness of a detached observer. The minute you sense that calmness, the solution is at hand. You’re not operating from adrenaline or fear or angst.”

 

And secondly and probably most importantly for me right now, this hit home.

 

“You can never remedy a bad relationship, by condemning it.”