I am loving the holidays.  There is no rush to get out everyone ready by 7.15am (the official line is 7.25, but if we aim for 7.15, we have time for a Willy tantrum and a Tom wander or Willy wind-up..)

 

This morning, while the Big Man made his omelette, the boys slept in a little, chilled on the sofa… and I blissfully lounged in bed and read my book.

 

It’s a new book.  I love a new book…  the start of a new adventure.

 

This book is one that my friend gave me a while ago.  But I wasn’t ready for it.  But as the saying goes, when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  And I am ready for this book.

 

I used to be confident, self assured.  I felt a little piece of it dwindle away after I went back to work after having Tom. Having been in the top 5% of all my peers through school and then work, after having a child, albeit a brilliant sleeping one, there was something, someone far more important waiting for me at home, than the gym or tv, socialising or working late to prove a point, get a promotion, be the best at work. And I slipped from being in the top 5.

 

A little bit more of that confidence, self belief slipped away after Willy was born.  The non sleeper.  I was the walking dead, a zombie in the office.

 

When I walked away from a new role I ended up loving, but hours that didn’t fit with my family life, I felt even more self worth go drain away.   I saw myself as a failure.  I was a ‘lean in’ failure.  I had let down the entire female race, especially those who were well educated and rising through the ranks of female leadership.

 

And the last 3 years have been trial and error, seeing what worked, what didn’t.  Who I trusted, who I didn’t.  What balance, what priorities…?  And with each change, each redirection, each personal kick in the teeth, stab in the back and then finally with the loss of Mumbo, it felt the last of my self confidence went ‘piff paff …. POOF’!

 

I decided at the beginning of July, that was enough of self pity. I decided that I was going on a journey to rebuild my mindset.

 

I have been reading up on how to restore my inner ‘Badass’…. Now as that book is closed and rehoused on the bookshelf (my badass brewing), and as I read through the introduction of the book, I know I have picked the right one.  “I realised that the root of almost all of my problems in life, especially the issue of confidence, was self-love.”

 

Self love, self worth, confidence.  All starts with mindset.

 

And as it would have it, as I pack my bags, my favourite film is on tv ‘Love Actually’…. And the scene opens with Colin and his best friend, Tony, saying to him…

 

“Colin, you are a lonely, ugly arsehole.  And you must accept it.”

 

To which he replies,  “Never.  I am god of Sex!  I am just on the wrong continent, that is all.”

 

Oh to have the mindset of Colin!

 

It’s time to start reprogramming my mind and drowning out the voice of my own ‘Tony’ AKA Dobby!

 

It’s time to bring my confidence and self work back!