Weathering the storm….

Hurtful words are often said between 2 people who love each other. Cutting words that can make you want to lash out back with something worse.  When you are feeling low and sad, sensitive and vulnerable those words can feel like decapitation of a limb…

Today, I just wanted to curl up in my bed and sob for everything… But the sun crept through the curtains and made the dust dance … And I heard the laughter of the boys downstairs…

Sometimes it is easier to keep the cloak of bitterness, anger, sadness around you… It feels safe. It is harder to shrug it off and be the bigger person. It is far easier to stay wrapped up in bearing a grudge than flinging it off in forgiveness… I have battled the art of forgiving.  What I have learnt is to forgive, not for others, but for yourself and free yourself of the hurt and anger eating at your soul rather than for them… I have learnt to have faith in forgiveness.
The de-robing process – everyone has one. The trick is to work out what suits you.  And it could be a different process for different times.  I remember in the week that Mum was dying, I couldn’t run.  I didn’t have the energy… so I performed a slow, steady pilates routine and focused on my breathing.  Some mornings, I couldn’t even do that… so I lay on the rug in the conservatory and looked up at the sky and watched the birds and the clouds… marveled at the view across the fields.   Let my mind wander as it does when I run… let it be still if it can.  Some people refer to it as meditation… I prefer mindfulness… just being.  And it works for me.

 

There are lovely phrases I see often on cards, ceramic hearts, posters and pictures that have helped me see the ‘silver lining’… and remind me always to look for the positives in every situation… Taught me how I can weather an unsettling time by refocusing on something small to give me hope. ‘When it is dark, look for the stars..’.. ‘When it rains look for rainbows…’  ‘when you fall flat on your face, roll over and look at the beautiful sky’..

 

It takes practice… and in the moments that I haven’t been able to find the silver, I have learnt to plant my feet firmly, hold on to whatever I can, whatever stabilises me… And I hold tight, focus on my breathing, steadying my heart by saying to myself that storms don’t last a lifetime… Weather the storm, ride it out.

 

I will welcome the calm grey skies… And after the grey calm, I have trust there has to be sunshine.  Sunshine, sunlight, warmth and peace …
There has to be. I have faith and I am holding on. Tight.

 

 

I wrote that on my run this morning… a glorious sunny fresh morning. I wrote that just after skidding on the ice.  My run helped begin to de-robe me of sadness… de-robe me of anger and frustration and helped me get through the day.

 

Sometimes you have to ‘fake it’ until you ‘feel it’… Even if you don’t feel like the cloak has really altogether left your back, you can choose to act that it has… and by choosing to act in that way, the feeling that it is true often follow.

 

Today, this practice, helped me see the funny side of driving 90 mile round trip to an amusement park that doesn’t open until March..  In the Big Man’s defense, it was a confusing online booking system ‘book today’…

 

Today, it helped me see the funny side to the fact that we dashed back to get to the pool for the crazy fun swim so that the boys had some way of letting off steam… only to arrive as everyone was leaving the pool.  Lesson learnt – don’t trust your 8 year old son to be able to read a timetable…

 

Today, it helped me keep calm, it helped choose to respond in a good, polite, calm happy way, rather than react in a bad, selfish, angry, hurtful, sad way.
  
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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