I think I must be in the angry phase of grief.
When I am not being distracted with daily tasks or chores, chatting with the boys or friends… I am am an angry person. I can feel it in my face. I can feel the little thunder cloud over my head, hovering…. ready to bang, clap and pound down the rain.
I am not angry at Mum, or the Alzheimer’s… but I am angry… Not entirely sure what for or at. But trivial, little things have made me angry today…
James’s phone pinging at 6am and waking me up… why wasn’t it on silent or nighttime mode? I lay there stewing…
Ringing HMRC and having to say multiple times my NI number before the computer on the end of the line gets it… and then being cut off by them after 40 minutes of waiting! It happened three times… and I nearly bit James’ head off when he pressed the hang up button as he walked in to the kitchen! Why the F did he do that?! Fuming.
A total idiot pulled out in front of me in the petrol station – he wasn’t looking as he pulled out on to the main road, too busy tapping on something on the dashboard…. I peeped my horn, shouted and gesticulated… I hardly ever do that. I am usually a pretty gracious driver and laugh at James when he is angry car man. I gesticulated!
Tom threw his yoyo at me while I was driving and it landed in my footwell under the break pedal. Oh my goodness…. I yelled. Shock probably, but also because I was so conscious of how lucky we were and that I didn’t have to break suddenly. I probably overreacted… failed to speak calmly to him. Threw the yoyo in the bin. Sent him to his room…. For me to calm down mainly. Steam spurting out of my ears and nose… I could have even been stamping my foot…
I feel like I have been stomping around the house. I certainly got out of bed the wrong side. The cloud is lingering… threatening to break.
I am really struggling with my usual techniques to combat negativity. I am trying to focus on the positives; the early wake up meant I got to do my pilates before the boys got up in peace; I got a lovely girl on the end of the phone at HMRC who has seemingly and actually made some progress; the petrol station idiot made me slow down and be more aware of my surroundings; yoyo-gate… well at least Tom is packed to go to Grandad’s tomorrow and he has drawn a beautiful card for Granny with the most lovely note inside for her.
Focussing on the positives is all well and good. But all I still really want to do is punch someone.
Perhaps it’s a good thing the Big Man has decided to go to the gym and go out with a mate for a beer rather than have supper with me.