How am I?

People have been asking how I am feeling.  I answer ‘OK’…it’s simpler to say that than try and explain… I  am not quite sure how I am feeling really.

 

This morning I felt numb, a little shell shocked.  In 24 hours, I had lost my mum and organised her funeral, having had meetings with both the funeral director and the vicar.  We had contacted everyone who needed to know…  chosen the hymns, one reading and the music. We’d been back to the care home to say goodbye, thank and hug all the wonderful carers who had looked after Mum, and us over the last 7 days…

Bambi had even started the eulogy..  I was empty.

 

As I left for Yorkshire, I was all of a sudden alone, no Dad, no Bambs.  I felt lonely but glad of the space.

 

There was something wrong with the car, it cut out if I went over 70mph.  I felt annoyed… but glad of the steady pace..  and 5 hours to just ‘be’.  To listen to music, have a little soft weep with no one watching..

 

I felt nervous about school pick up time.  If anyone was nice to me or said anything about Mum, I thought I would publicly break down.  And I didn’t want to do that in front of the boys.  I kept my head down at the first school.

 

I felt relief that Willy just wanted to cling to me and be carried back to the car.. I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes.  Relieved too that he is ok – just missing his Mummy.  His innocent summary ‘So Granny Brooks is Dead.  She is in heaven then.’  I told him my view that she was in the mountains skiing.  ‘Really?  I want to go skiing too… my heaven will be mountains too!  Mummy – did you know it took Amy Johnson 20 days to fly to Australia.  And she had a crash.… How many miles til we get Tom? Can I play on your phone?’  …

 

I felt overwhelmed as I parked at the second school.  Before I had had chance to close the door, a lovely friend, new friend, came dashing over with a box of casserole, enveloping me in an embrace.  Overwhelmed with gratitude and emotion at the kindness and thoughtfulness.  Overwhelmed as other lovely Mums also held me, I lost count of who and how many… just as I have felt overwhelmed at the flood of messages streaming in on my phone, through Facebook passing on thoughts, love and best wishes to the 3 of us.

 

I felt heartbroken as I found Tom.  Pale.  Flushed cheeks. Quiet.  He had rung me yesterday evening, in floods of tears… inconsolable.  I managed to hear him say ‘is it true, is Granny Annie dead?’…  Every part of my body wept at that point, my heart dripping with tears….  At 8, he will remember her, understand more of the emotion that sits with losing a loved one.  At 8, he is a big boy – no public displays of affection.  But the minute we are in the car – he holds my hand ‘Can I kiss you, Mummy?…’  When we get home, ‘Can I cuddle you Mummy?  I am so sad about Granny.’  At tea time, ‘Can I sit on your lap, Mummy?  Is Grandad ok?  I am so sad about Granny Annie, he must be too.’  My heart melts at a text conversation I find on my phone between him and Grandad…..  “Hello Grandad.  Are you okay without Granny Annie?  (lots of emoticons)  I am very sad about Granny Annie.”  Then he shares his favourite memory of Granny, ‘In a water gun fight when I squirted her’.  I remember it… It was a gorgeous hot day and the boys and Grandad were racing around the garden with big water guns and Granny got caught in the cross fire and just loved it!  I caught it on camera…

 

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I feel sad that the Big Man is in London… I feel like we all need him tonight..   His the only company I could bear tonight.  Willy is coughing like a seal, Tom has pustules on his throat (suspected tonsillitis)…

 

I feel tired, drained, exhausted.

 

I just feel a bit ‘odd’.  But then I have never lost a Mum before.

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