A Jumble of emotions

This time last week, I was having bread and butter pudding with my lovely Dad.

This week, we are both going to bed early, 250 miles apart.

It’s times like this I wish i didn’t live so far away from my Dad and my sister.

Will this be the first time we wait for the overnight phone call?  Will it be the first of many?  Or will it be the last of one?

My emotions are a jumble.  All over the place. Sad obviously.  Anxious. Nervous… Relief.  Guilt.  And then back around the merry-go-round…

Was that the last ‘I love you’ I will ever hear from my Mum?    Was my visit last week the last time I will see her alive?  I did wonder when I was there….Maybe that’s why I went back?

The home couldn’t find her DNR this afternoon.  There was an emergency meeting with a doctor to reinstate one….  As my Dad recounted the urgency and panic, I noticed my initial reaction reflected the panic.  Would they resuscitate her if they couldn’t find it?  Another feeling… despair.  Without one, they would be obligated to do everything they could to keep her a live, bring her back to life.

And there’s the guilt.

How can you want your mum to die, to slip away?

Do I want that for her?  for me?  for my Dad, my sister?

Is it because I want her suffering to end… or mine?

If that is true, then I am being selfish… so I feel guilt.

Is she in pain? Is she suffering?  She can’t speak to tell us.  She can’t communicate or show us… So is she suffering at all?

Was she saying goodbye when she managed to say ‘I love you’?  Is that why she held on to my hand for the whole time I was there?  Was she communicating with me then?   Should I go back down South again?  Now?  Tomorrow?  Next week?  Do I make plans or no plans?

So many questions.  So few answers.

The unknown is always one of the most difficult things to unravel.. the hardest to live through.  The question of when will only be answered in the moment that it happens.

And so I am drawn back to ‘The Power of Now’ and the concept of living in the present moment.  There is no point worrying, thinking, or imagining what it will be like or feel like when I get the phone call.   How can you imagine it?  It’s unbearable…so why prolong the pain.  There is no pain right now… only peace.  Tonight she is sleeping.  And so will I.  So will my Dad.  So will my sister.

In one of my Mosaic Classes, we worked with the children to help them move from negative emotional states to positive ones.  We asked them to draw around their hands and in each of the fingers write or draw some things they could do to refocus their feelings. They picked sadness, anger, guilt..I did grief… I just found them in my photo archive… perfect timing.

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