I should have expected it really. But the white hot molten anger that I woke up engulfed in this morning rather took me by surprise. Especially when everything seems so 'back to normal'.
I have learnt through the multiple cycles of grief or trauma that after my sad period, comes the anger. It's been a good period of calm for a while and perhaps that's why the sad and now the anger have been quite so intense.
I am struggling to find an outlet. Spin was a distraction. Cooking too quick. Tom hitting me on the head with the gull wing door nearly had my spew molten lava all over him. I hope he just saw a grumpy mummy.
For the first time in a long time I am taking to my head to hide under the duvet and silent scream into my pillow and wait until the next emotion takes over.
I'll take the guilt. And the shame. I hate anger the most. Hardest to hide. And I need to be on form to go out tonight to celebrate another big family birthday.
I'll take the guilt. And the shame. It's quieter. And easier to see through, more transparent, so I can see the good things I have around me to bring me back to base.
Anger gets the pillow.