I usually find great comfort in a christening service.  But today, I wasn’t feeling it.  Am I even questioning my faith, along with love, friendship and loyalty?


Or is it just part of this numbing process that I seem to have been walling myself in with?  Living so much in the moment, so that I don’t feel anything..


So that I don’t feel the bubbling excitement of the future.…


So that I don’t feel the fear of the unknown and uncertainty that is surrounding all the balls we are juggling in the air….


So that I don’t feel the pain of difficult memories I can’t let go of, feel the pain of broken trust and faith and belief….


Is that where the correlation lies?


Or is it that I am just exhausted from running up a metaphorical mountain, overcoming a seemingly impossible cliff face?  And now that I am at the top of the cliff face, it is actually the last walk up that frightens me the most and so I don’t want to face it.


I am saying all the right things, doing all the right things but I don’t feel the usual light happiness, sparkle and joy that I usually feel.


She was right – Brene – you can’t selectively numb.  I need to be brave enough to unnumb… to feel the inevitable pain, but also so that I can feel the love and happiness to heal it.



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