I usually find great comfort in a christening service.  But today, I wasn’t feeling it.  Am I even questioning my faith, along with love, friendship and loyalty?

 

Or is it just part of this numbing process that I seem to have been walling myself in with?  Living so much in the moment, so that I don’t feel anything..

 

So that I don’t feel the bubbling excitement of the future.…

 

So that I don’t feel the fear of the unknown and uncertainty that is surrounding all the balls we are juggling in the air….

 

So that I don’t feel the pain of difficult memories I can’t let go of, feel the pain of broken trust and faith and belief….

 

Is that where the correlation lies?

 

Or is it that I am just exhausted from running up a metaphorical mountain, overcoming a seemingly impossible cliff face?  And now that I am at the top of the cliff face, it is actually the last walk up that frightens me the most and so I don’t want to face it.

 

I am saying all the right things, doing all the right things but I don’t feel the usual light happiness, sparkle and joy that I usually feel.

 

She was right – Brene – you can’t selectively numb.  I need to be brave enough to unnumb… to feel the inevitable pain, but also so that I can feel the love and happiness to heal it.