A gorgeous friend yesterday gave me 2 things to think about. One was a in a youtube clip where Pema Chodron declares that her 2nd husband was one of her greatest teachers because he left her. She was drinking tea and he left to be with another woman. She explains that in the falling apart and the quiet moments of shock and silence afterwards is when she learnt so much.
In her own words, she explained how she was desperate to keep the marriage together, even though it hadn’t been going so well, but because it was what she knew, made her feel safe and secure. She felt she needed the marriage picture, the man, the role of a wife to feel happy.
What she learnt in the 3 years of subsequent grieving and groundlessness, was that she was reliant on being dependent, feeling attached. She realised she needed that somebody else to confirm her very being, to confirm that she was ok! The lesson was that her own view of herself was not enough, she had to have and believe someone else’s view of her to be ‘ok’, to be happy.
There is a small part of me deep down that can relate. I am grieving for the loss of the eternal ‘attachment’ to the perfect man, my prince charming, my first real love. Part of my identity was the lucky lady with the longest and strongest relationship and marriage. I still find myself crying for that, a silent tear every now and then when my gut flips over; the same feeling of loss I had when in those moments I remembered Mumbo was gone. Only I know they are less for her now, more for the loss of years of love, security and a feeling of shame for being so naïve and childlike.
So perhaps all this was and is my next lesson on my journey of self-esteem recovery, that I don’t need anyone to define me. I don’t need to justify myself against their view of me, or how I should be in their eyes.
It’s ok to be just me, the way I want me to be.
It’s ok to be me, ‘non-attached’ but connected deeply to who I want to connect with, in a more mutually respectful way.
And the second was a quote from an Glennon Doyle Molton and links in with the non-attachment piece. She makes a list of ‘what she knows’ and the 3rd point was:
‘’Crisis means to sift. Let it all fall away and you’ll be left with what matters.”
In this crisis I have done a lot of sifting. Both material and immaterial, tangible and intangible.
And some things I was able to let go very easily, some were more of a wrench and a mental battle, some are still hanging on and I find a tough task to sever the cord.
But each cord is made up of multiple strands and for the remaining cords still clinging on, I can feel each strand pinging away and I am beginning to feel lighter all the time. Having been so closed and tight and holding on, I can feel myself opening up and revealing my inner soul. I have never been a ‘closed book’, always wearing my heart on my sleeve, but this feels like a deeper unveiling of the real me.
And as life’s metaphors would have it, as I was walking around our soon to be new home, the dream house, the tulips were in their most stunning full bloom, a blood red sea following the garden path. And yet I found just this solitary one, who called out to me and showed me its hidden inner beauty.