Leaving

The hardest part is going to be telling the Big Man I am leaving him.

 

The signs are all so obvious now.  Some people may call it a ‘calling’ and I suppose, in a way, the Universe has been ‘calling’ me for a while.  My obsession with Eat Pray Love, the book, the film, the writer…. The same with Wild, the book, the film, the writer, her latest book arriving on my doorstep yesterday shouting up at me ‘BRAVE ENOUGH’.

 

I have to be brave enough to tell him.  And my boys.

 

If it weren’t for my beautiful boys, I would have left 4 months, 13 days, 1 hour and 10 minutes ago.

 

And today as I sat in traffic outside the hotel where they frequented, I listened to chapter 13 of the Unthethered Soul.  “You don’t want your world to collapse.”

 

No I didn’t.  It was all out of my control.

 

And as the author says, my world was so shaken to the core that my relationship to everyone and everything around me, including myself began to fall apart.  My ‘model life’, Our ‘model life’ the one I had built in my head, the same one we had built together in reality was crumbling and now I see myself scrabbling to fit everything back in to that model, the way it was.  To find a new family home, to re-marry, to start again but now I question whether that is the right thing to do – to rebuild it back up again in accordance with the same mental model as I /  we had before, albeit a stronger one?

 

His thought provoking words on ‘going beyond’ my model, ‘going beyond’ my beliefs, ‘going beyond’ the boundaries of my mind and going for infinite possibility struck a chord in my heart.  And to learn the lesson in the collapse is to change your belief, change your views, change your world and break free of the finite and let go of control.

 

I am scared.  I am totally and utterly petrified.

 

Of telling him.  Of telling the boys.

 

I have a year to get strong.  I have a year to prepare myself to live a life of a completely different model, without him, without my boys, without mod cons, without friends, family, wifi, phone lines, without a bed on land.

 

I have a year to get us all strong.  For me to be able to live without them, seeing them and touching them every day and for them to live without me.

 

I am ‘going beyond’ for 3 weeks, 2 days and possibly longer…. 

 

Post script:  the easiest part was telling the Big Man I am leaving him.



 

 

 

 

 

 

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