Tonight I read a line in my book that helped me forgive my actions and behaviour today.

 

‘You can turn your life in to a paradise, but the only way you can do it is to make the inside of you a paradise.  There is no other way.  You are the cause; your life is the effect.’

 

I had thought I had it all under control, proud of my calmness.

 

But I suppose it was only a matter of time.

 

There was a storm brewing in my internal paradise.  It came from nothing, from nowhere.  A tidal wave, a tsunami of suppressed feelings:  frustrated, rejected, offended, shamed, pressured, overwhelmed, insecure, lonely, hurt, helpless, tricked, trapped, tired, disrespected, disappointed and oh so sad… all the feelings under the surface of a giant iceberg, the tip of which manifested as anger.

 

As all family and friends and distractions left, my resolve weakened and as Willy threw his n’th tantrum of the day for no reason, I could feel the rumble, my calm sea bed beginning to shake.

 

Anger isn’t a natural state for me and I know I fight it.  I hate it.  The loss of control frightens me.  But this was too strong an emotion for me to fight and I knew I had to let it out.

 

Privately.

 

The eruption itself was intense but brief; the aftershocks left me trembling.

 

A few hours on, I am lying supine on my rocky sea bed looking up through the clear water at paradise above, just breathing.

 

Feelings have to flow through you, just like storms pass through Paradise.  And calm follows.