We were woken early this morning by the panic stricken shouts of Tom..

 

‘Mummy!  Mummy!  MUMMY!!! MUMMY!  HELP ME!’

 

My initial reaction was that he was being sick…. For all other things – he usually shouts for Daddy – his hero, his ‘mate’, his ‘Big fellow’….

 

‘Get a ladder!  MUMMY!!!  I CAN’T GET OUT!’…

 

He had locked himself in the bathroom… and in doing so had worked himself in to a panic, a frenzy… and hyperventilation.

 

Through the wooden bathroom door, we calm him down and tell him to turn the lock again.  That just starts the tears again and the panic… ‘I CAN’T!’…   Mr ‘Always Calm Under Pressure’, asks him to turn it the other way…

 

‘clink clunk’…

 

The door is open… and a teary, red eyed, blond tousled, sleepy boy walks through into our open arms…  and then he moves to sit on my lap and wimpers into my neck, while I stroke his back and kiss him, hold him tight.

 

He will always be my baby.  My first baby.  My first one true, honest, uncompromising, unconditional, unwavering, unrelenting, unfaltering, infinite and biggest love.

 

From the moment he was born, (albeit not breathing for the first very scary few moments of his life), I knew I would do anything for that little boy.  Anything.  Without hesitation or thought for myself or anyone else.  His life, his safety, well being far more important than anything.

And while consciously he may not realise it, he subconsciously does.  He knows I will do anything to make him safe, feel loved, protected without judgement or question.

 

That realisation shocked me.  It shocked me into the realisation that I have lost that.  The one person who I subconsciously knew would always have my back, love me regardless… is gone.

 

It’s a frightening and lonely feeling.

 

There’s love.  And then there’s a Mother’s love.  It is a powerful force, one beyond measure.

 

Without it, I feel incredibly vulnerable.  And surprisingly lonely in my busy life.