Swings and roundabouts..

It seems that living through a grieving period is like swings and roundabouts….
Today I woke up without the haze of sadness…yesterday’s lacklustre a distant memory….
I made brownies with Willy and gluten free Yorkies…. All before 10 am.
It makes no sense. Or no sense to me?
 The same thoughts flying around in my head yesterday are the same ones today but the impact is drastically different…
Yesterday I was caught up in the cyclone of questions… Of confusion.
Surely I shouldn’t need to grieve as Mum is in a better place… We wanted her to be free?
Surely I shouldn’t need to grieve as Mum had a good life, all the trimmings, she was 74, 4 days short of 75. So many lose their parents so young… I had 40 years of knowing her, I am lucky?
Surely I shouldn’t need to grieve, my mum hadn’t been hugely present, no consistent daily involvement in our lives for the last few years given her condition… Does that mean I shouldn’t miss her? Does that mean I should have made more of an effort? 
Why did she get Alzheimers? It could have been all so different? How would she have been with the boys as a granny, with me as a middle aged daughter?
Yesterday the questions were in balloon bubbles floating and banging against my head and the associated guilt, the sadness, the loss, despair prevented me from enjoying daily life.  
Today the same questions still ring true but the balloon bubbles are floating high in the sky on long colourful ribbons… I am aware of them clashing and bumping around way above me…but I am able to be free to enjoy the present, the boys, family and a lovely Sunday afternoon with close friends drinking wine and singing songs…. 
Swings and roundabouts, balloons and bubbles… Who knows what tomorrow will bring as the boys head back to school and life returns to ‘normal’… ? I will anticipate the highs and the lows… Let the wind ruffle my hair and learn to relax in to the flow… For after each ride down, there is always the ride back up…  

 

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