So day 3 on #breakingbadhabits is still going well, but I will admit to sneaking back to bed (just a short power nap, the aftermath from the emotional impact and mental stress to return to the higher vibrational frequency). Not straight after getting the boys to school, for it was a day of future planning: house hunting and car research.
The car side bores me. I grew up learning in a Volvo 240, perfectly symmetrical in shape and in deepest darkest poo brown with beige seats. I was grateful just to have the use of a car to get from A to B, home to pub, home to friends. What I looked like and the fact that everyone called it the ‘poo on wheels’, didn’t bother me. It fit 10 friends in (in the days before seat belts in the back… am I really that old?!) and that gave me kudos. To me, a car is a vehicle, that’s all and the Volvo was safe, secure and solid.
The houses interest me more. And the 2 today, couldn’t have been more different. One steeped in history from the 15th century, complete with hand carved oak panelling, hand modelled cornicing’s of individual flowers, pomegranates, mermaids and mermen and even a secret tunnel from the pantry to the church! And the second, as though it had jumped straight out of the pages of the latest ‘Home and Garden’ magazine, pristine, polished, stunning and trendy and I was scared to touch anything it was so beautiful.
While they were both so different, interesting or stunning, neither had the feeling of ‘home’ that I felt when I walked in through the doors of my dream house, the home we still hope to live in.
And I guess that’s just like relationships. Just as you know your ‘home’ as you walk in from the ambience, the feng shui, the atmosphere, regardless of décor, you know ‘the one’; the one person you could spend the rest of your life with, make home with, grow a family with, laugh in front of the fire in matching armchairs, grey hair, hot water bottles and hot toddy’s.
A friend recently posted a wonderful article which collated responses from married, divorced and cohabiting couples on how relationships stay successful, or why they don’t. To me it is required reading for anyone considering a new relationship, in a relationship or considering leaving a relationship. (https://qz.com/884448/every-successful-relationship-is-successful-for-the-same-exact-reasons/?utm_source=parHuffPo&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063)
The last passage is from Margo and her words of wisdom and as she suggests, I have done so and printed it off and read daily. One piece of advice is to write down why you fell in love in the first place. That was simple to do, scribbled notes in the badger book.
I fell in love with the Big Man for the way he made me feel; safe, secure and that I need not worry about anything, he had it in hand, his generosity and kindness abundant; protected, yet needed; respected, admired for what I did and what I had to say; loved and adored from the quiet look in his eye in a crowded room, the discrete touch in the small of my back to know he had my back; and oh so special, like I was actually the only person in that room, the world, that mattered; and for his sense of fun, that allowed me to let down my serious guard and become alive in safety.
I am not sure where I am going with this.
Safety and security is obviously a big think for me; the car – a Volvo, the safest thing on the road; the dream house, providing solid foundations and a fortress for our family; the Big Man and why I fell in love with him. And perhaps that is why this explosion in our relationship had such an impact, shattering my inner feelings of safety, security and surety about us and moreso, myself. Yet also perhaps why after only 4 short months, I am healing because of the actions, not words, hard work and effort he is putting in to our relationship to make me feel that certainty that the foundations are being re-laid stronger, that I can rely on my future being safe and that I am once again the only person in a room that matters, that will ever matter.
So the houses made me think; everything is about feeling, who you are with, where you are, where you live, where you drink your coffee, where you send your children to school, what car your drive. And just like the houses, they can be interesting or stunning, but they may not be ‘the one’ for you; ‘the one’ will stir up the emotions most important to you and you will feel ‘at home’.
And now I am off out to celebrate a 46th wedding anniversary to a couple I owe a lot to, for their patience, their love, their support and because they make me feel loved, safe and secure; a couple who I can learn a lot from, marriage yes but especially about houses and cars!